No More Perfect Marriages...But There is a Perfect God!

Being willing to fight for your marriage and work on the tough stuff takes courage. In the third chapter of their book, No More Perfect Marriages, Mark and Jill Savage give us eight "God tools" to use for working on our marriages, and for battling what they have coined "the perfection infection." (I'd list them all out, but you really should get the book and discover them for yourself! :) )  The first tool they mention is courage. I love this quote, "Courage is not the absence of fear; it is determining something is more important than the fear. Your marriage is more important than your fear of conflict, your fear of taking off your mask, your fear of intimacy, your fear of disagreement, or your fear of honest conversation." (Check out this video Tim and I did discussing how we found the courage to work through some pretty tough times in our first few years of marriage.)

One of the things I love most about the Savages is that they have no illusions. They are not looking through their rose colored glasses or out of their "perfect Christian home" bubble. They come from a perspective that few have ever reached. To serve in ministry, to deal with infidelity, to walk, or perhaps I should say crawl through the process of restoration and then to dare to speak about it is rare and oh, so powerful. It was from the depths of the dark times that Jill says, "I learned it's easy to love someone who is loving you. It's a completely different ballgame to love someone who is not loving you back." What a true picture of God's redeeming love for us, His church, His children!

How many times have we confessed our love for Him, vowed to deny all else, and then in a moment of weakness given our hearts to another? And yet, through it all He doesn't give up on us. He pursues us all over again. Cleans us off. Takes us back, and restores us to full fellowship. Thank you, Jesus!

I love this quote from the forward of their book done by Dr. Gary Chapman (of The 5 Love Languages), "The reality is, there are no perfect husbands and no perfect wives, so why would we expect to have a perfect marriage?" Amen!

When it comes down to it, I have learned over the past nearly 12 years of marriage that there are many times you have to choose love whether you feel it or not. Don't get me wrong, I am crazy in love with my man, and I love him so much more now than the day we married. But there is such a different aspect of love that comes from dealing with tough stuff, walking through ups and downs, and coming face-to-face with your own "humanness." For your marriage to thrive it must be based on more than mere loving feelings. It must be grounded in the true essence of what love really is. Love is so much more than a feeling. It is a choice. It is choosing to look beyond yourself, beyond your spouse, and adopt an eternal perspective that says, "God first!" When talking about the God tool of wisdom the Savages say, "No matter what your spouse does, you have to be motivated by doing the right things for God. Not for a specific result, but simply because God asks you to do things His way. The beautiful thing about this is that you will gain wisdom. You will be changed. And if one person changes in a marriage, the marriage changes!"

Much like the process of sanctification that follows salvation (that process after having accepted Christ of continually being made more and more of who God would have you be), your marriage is not complete the moment you say, "I do." Marriage is a lifetime of growing, learning and becoming more and more of the spouse the Lord would have you be. Mark and Jill say, "We naturally pull apart unless we work to stay together." This makes me think of driving a car. If you let go of the wheel you will naturally run off the road. You must pay attention! But the beauty of it is if you are already in the ditch, it's going to take some muscle and maybe a good tune-up, but you can get that thing out of the ditch, back onto the road, and start again.


Perhaps Mark and Jill summed it up best with this line in the final paragraph of the book, "There are no perfect marriages, but there is a God who wants to "perfect" us through this thing called marriage."

If you'd like a chance to win a FREE copy of the book No More Perfect Marriages please comment below with your email address or private message me on my Facebook page to be entered in the July 1st drawing!

See all posts from my Book Review of No More Perfect Marriages...

Helpmate or Boss Lady - Which role am I playing in my marriage?

I love my husband. I respect his authority, and I admire his wisdom....but I don't always let him use those gifts which he so adequately possesses. I mean he has some great ideas...mine just seem better. He does a lot of great things. He just doesn't always do them the "right" way. I'm just trying to help! I mean, I know he means well, but....well, didn't God give me to him to be his helper? If you think about it, I'm just trying to do my job, fulfill my calling, serve the Lord with gladness...do I have any sisters out there?

All joking aside, I am not deaf to the fact that this is not exactly the best way to honor my husband. In chapter 7 of No More Perfect Marriages , pointedly titled, “The Dishes Go in the Dishwasher Only One Way,”Jill makes this statement, "When winning is more important than listening, or when a spouse feels their way is the right way and their spouse’s way is the wrong way, it is crushing to their

partner who doesn't feel heard or valued." Jill, you're killing me!!!! The truth really does hurt. My friends, coming face to face with these hard, ugly truths about ourselves is part of that dying to self thing we hear so much about.

‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:23‬ ‭ says, “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” Might we say the woman who does this could keep her marriage out of trouble...or at least spare it quite a bit of drama? Selah....

So here I am cruising along, happily enjoying my journey through this great book when I come to this, “Acceptance seems pretty easy when we're dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! Acceptance is the action of fully receiving someone for who they completely are without trying to change, alter, or CORRECT them.” (Emphasis added because that’s the way it looked to me when I came across these words!) Oh man, did they have to throw that last one in? I can scoot past the first two. All well-meaning, God-seeking, Christ-sharing wives know to warn any of our unmarried or newly married friends that you should never enter marriage with the intent to change your spouse (even in the area of toilet paper roll refill…(click HERE if you missed that confession.), but to say that to accept our spouse means not correcting them, oh me! If there's a thorn in the side of our marriage this it is!! If Tim says it's 89 degrees, I have to make sure he knows it's actually 91. If he says we live 15 minutes from the mall, I have to jump in and say it actually takes 12. Hey, at least I know I have a problem!

On page 141 Jill says, “I've decided it's more important to do what's right than it is to be right.” To which my flesh screams, “But, Jill what if I am right???!!!!” Then I see the first part...do right, and the Holy Spirit reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13 where it say love does not seek its own. So I find myself backed into a corner...it's fight or flight time, and then I am gently reminded that in God's way of doing things there is another option...I can die to self, give up my need to be right, and in doing so truly begin to experience God's best for my marriage. Which, let's face it, will far surpass any illusion I may have of creating the perfect marriage.


“ Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7


Why is acceptance so hard for me? I actually think it's pretty clear, though I don't want to admit it. It's pure and simple pride...ugly, nasty, frustrating pride. What does it say to my husband when I am constantly correcting or questioning him? What does it say when I am constantly struggling with the way he may do things, or for instance, the way he drives. What does it say to the one I have committed to love more than anyone else on this earth if I am constantly unsatisfied with him? If I am supposed to be the closest human expression he has in this world of God's love for him then how on earth is he feeling that love and acceptance if I am constantly judging, correcting and questioning? Ouch! This hurts! But let us not forget, often it is only by being broken down that He can truly build us up into all He has called us to be!


I encourage you to get your own copy of No More Perfect Marriages.

If you'd like a chance to win a FREE copy of the book No More Perfect Marriages please comment below with your email address or private message me on my Facebook page to be entered in the July 1st drawing!

See all posts from my Book Review of No More Perfect Marriages...

To the best daddy I know! Happy Father's Day, Babe!!

I dedicate this post to the most amazing daddy I know, my incredible husband, Tim. For a man who had only held a baby one time prior to ours being born, he was a natural from the very beginning!

We have been blessed with one of each - a beautiful, articulate, glitter and sparkles girl and a goofy,

sometimes loud, yet incredibly loving little boy. She’s all girl, and he’s all boy! J And Daddy knows how to relate to them both. Whether in a suit and tie taking his little princess to the Daddy/Daughter dance, or out on the field helping coach our little Babe Ruth in t-ball, he is a man they respect, learn from, look up to, and love fiercely.

Tim strikes an excellent balance between fun and firm, gentle and tough.  He sets an example in hard work, incredible self-discipline and unshakable integrity. He demonstrates the importance of not only being a strong leader, but proves that the best leaders are humble followers of Jesus Christ.

He provides, protects, disciplines and loves with intentionality and focus. He takes his role very seriously, knowing that when God saw fit to bless him with a family, He also gave him an obligation to lead that family in His ways. Tim knows the Source of true wisdom and strength and never misses an opportunity to pass that knowledge on to our babies.

Happy Father’s day, Babe! We are very blessed to have you, and I am so thankful for you. You’re the best!

Which way should the toilet paper roll? And how does it affect your marriage?

Oh my goodness! I mean seriously?! The man and I have been using the same bathroom for nearly a dozen years. You would think by now he would've realized the error of his ways! Toilet paper should roll over the top towards the front, not down the back. Why doesn't he realize the extreme inconvenience of the over the back roll? The back of your hand hits the wall when you reach for it. You must go over, around, and through to grasp the next available square, and heaven forbid it should start to unroll in that position because if it is rolling down the back it will never stop! I mean, come on people! It's simple physics!! He clearly learned this from his mother, whom I love very

much, but I have to admit...To this day I still have to fight the urge to go in and change all of her toilet paper rolls to make them go the "right" way! (I know! I'm horrible!) Yes, I realized this glaring fault of Tim's while we were dating, but I thought I could change him! Yep...always a terrible illusion.

And so began our own contentious battles with acceptance and false expectations.

 When I was contacted and asked to do a book review of Mark and Jill Savages' (of Hearts at Home Ministry and JillSavage.org) latest book, No More Perfect Marriages I was very honored. I was no further into my reading than the press release before I knew this one was really going to get to the heart of the matter in a big way. This is where I found these words from Jill, "“Most of us entered into marriage with stars in our eyes and a belief that our spouse would meet our needs, fulfill our dreams, and satisfy our expectations. Reality set in as soon as you discovered this person you committed to puts the toilet paper on the roll backward." 

When it comes to being qualified to write a book on marriage you will be hard-pressed to find a couple more qualified than Mark and Jill. Jill is an author, speaker, and founder of Hearts at Home, and Mark is a former pastor turned business owner. They have five children and have been married for thirty-three years, twenty-five of them happily. They experienced a crossroads in their marriage six years ago, when Mark had a full-blow midlife crisis, became involved with another woman, and walked out. Today, God has restored their marriage and grown their intimacy and the couple is ministering together to other couples walking through similar struggles and crises. 

In my next post I'll draw back the drapes (Who am I kidding? We keep our issues veiled with sheer curtains, if anything at all!) and allow you to peek into the window of our own (or should I say my own) personal struggles in the area of acceptance as I share more particulars on the insights I gleaned from this great book. 

For now here is a great quote from Mark, "...the grass isn't really greener on the other side of the fence – there are just different weeds over there!" Love it!

I encourage you to get your own copy of No More Perfect Marriages. Whether rebuilding from brokenness, attempting to cut things off at the pass when the "slow fades" are threatening to do your marriage in, or looking for tips on ways to preserve what you have, you are sure to find something in this book to encourage and inspire you along your journey. 

Also, be sure to check out their blog for more great resources on marriage, parenting, and loving your mom-life! Click here!

Until next Monday…

“This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

If you'd like a chance to win a FREE copy of the book No More Perfect Marriages please comment below with your email address or private message me on my Facebook page to be entered in the July 1st drawing!

See all posts from my Book Review of No More Perfect Marriages...

Peaceful Mama = Peaceful Home; Crazy Mama = Everybody Run!!

I have said it before, and I will say it again - It is not always hunky-dory holiness around here, people! As I often say, my mess is my message, and believe me, sister there is a whole lot of mess behind each message I share.

When it comes to real life I believe we have a choice - we can hide our struggles behind a fake smile and coordinating pillows or we can rip off the mask revealing our own personal brand of crazy and in doing so utter some of the most powerful words in human connection, “Me too!” I was crying in the bathroom last night…Me Too! I served my family pizza for dinner three nights last week…Me too! I used the pool in place of a real bath all last week…Me too! See? Don’t you feel better already?? :)  

Very little will be accomplished if all I do here is tell you how to deal with your problems and never

let you see my own struggles and messes just below the surface. I believe in transparency, and I believe in taking my junk, throwing it at the feet of Jesus, and allowing Him to use it for others in any way He will. This is something I referred to as “the ultimate backfire.” Satan would love for me to hide my mess behind a smile and tell me that everything I feel is wrong and that I should be ashamed…but I'm not playing that game! I will often and continually let you know the things that I am struggling with because chances are so are you. Just because “Sister Holy Perfection” on Facebook seems to have it all together doesn't mean there's not a whole lot of junk behind that perfectly smiling selfie.

Right now, I'm dealing with maintaining peace in my heart which I know translates to peace in my homes. I believe as wives and moms we hold a lot of responsibility for the emotional environment of our home. If our hearts and our minds are in chaos our homes will feel the same. Our husbands will grow bitter and quiet, and our children will grow crazy and rebellious and fussy, and this will cause us to feel more anxiety and frustration and the cycle goes on and on. How do we stop this craziness? Remember the story of Martha and Mary when Jesus came to visit? (Luke 10:38-42) Martha was so busy trying to do everything on her to-do list that she was running around crazy, in essence ignoring Jesus who was actually there in bodily form in her living room! But while she was running around what did her sister Mary do? She just stopped everything and sat at His feet.

Now, I must admit, the type A person in me is thinking, “Well good grief! Somebody had to get all that taken care of, otherwise they would have no dinner! And seriously, if God Himself was coming over shouldn’t we at least make sure the house was straight?!” However, let's pay close attention to what Jesus said. He didn't say don't do anything and just sit here, but what he said was that Martha was busy with and worried about too much while only a few things were actually needed, and Mary had chosen what was better.

So here's how I translate this passage - Martha was busy making a gourmet meal, complete with homemade bread from scratch, vegetables from her own garden, eggs from her own chickens. She was most likely polishing her silver, dusting off the best china, ironing that tablecloth that she never used, and Jesus is basically saying, “Hey, throw a pizza in the oven, grab some paper plates, and come talk to me.”

So maybe we need to reevaluate what we are doing. I'm not saying there is never a time for a great, special occasion, homemade feast and bringing out the best of everything you have, but when the time is right for that you'll be able to do it with peace in your heart and true joy in your countenance. On the flip side, if you find that you're working yourself to the bone, you’re frantic, you're frustrated, and everybody's getting on your nerves while you're trying to prepare a “perfect” environment…well, there's a good chance that is not what God is asking you to do at the moment. He will give you the grace, the peace and the joy to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. If you cannot do what you have planned to do and maintain your happiness and balance in your home then maybe you need to reassess your to-do list. In fact, maybe you just need to tear it up! Each season is different. There are seasons when going the extra mile and doing all the extra stuff feels great and makes me feel alive. There are also seasons when I am running around and feel like a complete mess, and everybody is fussy and whiny around me. Nothing gets done and yet when I finally say forget it and I just sit on the floor and play a game with my babies all of a sudden I feel joy and peace, and I know that is what He has for me right then. And please please please never forsake time each day for sitting at the feet of Jesus. I cannot express how important this is because if you are not in the Word and spending time in His presence none of these promises will be possible for you. You cannot breathe separated from oxygen, and as a spirit created in the image of the Almighty God, you cannot live a truly great life separated from your life source. He gives you strength, peace and joy and “all good things come down from the Father.” (James 1:7)

If you feel like a crazy mess, stop, order in, grab the paper plates, and rest your soul at His feet and see if your home doesn't have more peace even if it is less perfect. Choose the more important things over the more popular things. By doing less you can create so much more for your family and yourself.