Purpose in Pain: Entering the Trial (Part 2)

So we are at the imaging center. As soon as the technician puts the device on my belly the wonderful image of our precious baby is on the screen. There is no mistaking the head, the face, the tiny arms and legs all curled up inside me. Tim was right there next to me, and we both watched with held breath as the technician worked in complete silence for what seemed like forever. Having been through this before I had a pretty clear understanding of what I was looking at. I was 10 and a half weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring at 9 and a half weeks. I wasn’t overly concerned about this, as the same happened with Mikaela. However, at the very end, a curser was placed over the baby’s chest, and I saw straight lines scrolling across the bottom of the screen. My heart began to sink, and I tighten my grip on Tim’s hand. The technician said she was going to take the images to the Radiologist and would return shortly. Tim was holding out hope, but I knew in my heart what we had just seen.

I was sitting on the edge of the table facing Tim, when the radiologist walked in the room. The results were written all over his face. “Unfortunately,” he began, “the tests confirm…” Anything else he said was lost on me as my heart jumped into my throat and Tim reached for me with both hands. The thing I had feared most was coming true. The doctor told us to take all the time we needed and left the room. There, in the dark room lit only by the glow of the monitors, Tim and I held each other (more like he held me), and I said the first thing that came to my mind… “I can't go through this again.”

I had been sick and fatigued with this pregnancy, but no more than with Mikaela (maybe even a bit less), but for some reason I had less tolerance for it this time around. And I was being plagued by intense fears, not only for this baby, but for Tim and Mikaela as well. I was daily (hourly) giving those fears to God, but they were wearing on me nonetheless. This pregnancy was zapping me on all levels, and to be completely honest, I never had complete peace about it. I had told myself weeks ago that if God would give us a healthy baby I would likely never want to put myself through this again (very different for my feelings when pregnant with Mikaela).

So here I am, my fears becoming reality. For a moment the room was closing in around us, and then, without me having to go search for it, without us uttering a word in prayer to ask for it, the peace of God began to settle in our hearts. I was filled with a quiet resolve that God was in control and all was going to be alright. (Romans 8:28) With tear-filled eyes and somber hearts, we left the imaging center and headed across the parking lot to meet with my doctor, who is a wonderful Christian lady and immediately hugged us both.  My first question for her was, “When can we try again?” That quickly God had comforted me and began to give me the desires of my heart. 

“Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)

This doesn’t mean He will give you whatever you want. It means that He will work in you and cause you to desire the things He wants for you.  This is how, if you are truly seeking Him, He leads you in the right path to all that He has for your life. And He, being our Father, only wants the best for us. And if we’ll let Him, He’ll blow our minds with what He does! (Luke 11:11-13, Eph 3:20)

With the D&C scheduled for the next day and so much swirling around me, my heart was at peace. Yes, I was sad and hurting, but God’s perfect peace was holding me. As we pulled into the garage this thought came to mind. “Let it not be in vain!” I want God to get all the glory and to use this tragedy in my life and in the lives of as many others as possible. I could hide, crumble into a corner and push everyone away, but then the loss of my baby would serve no one. So I want to tell everyone what has happened and most importantly what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives! So I already knew the purpose for my baby’s life, short thought it was. His life will touch lives for years to come as the Lord gives me opportunity to share of His power and love through this difficult time. To God be the glory!

Please know that none of this is because of who I am. It is all because of Who God is! The feelings of peace, acceptance, and perseverance that I experienced have nothing to do with me…they are all the fulfillment of God’s promises to us in scripture. He tells us to seek Him with all our hearts, “and the Peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)This is what I have tried to do, and when I needed it the most that peace was there, just like He said it would be!

I did a lot of note jotting in the days immediately following (much in the middle of the night for the first few nights when God would wake me up with a truth to hold to). I will continue this series by sharing these thoughts and truths that God has used and is using so powerfully in my life.
 

Love and blessings to you all. Thank you for following my story…or rather God’s story He is working out in my life.

 

Purpose in Pain: Entering the Trial (Part 1)

February 22, 2011

At 8:47 a.m. I sent this message out to those on my daily scripture memorizing email.

“ ‘Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:38-39

Maybe it's not as difficult as we think... Focus on making these two your most important goals today, and see if the other things don't start falling into place much better. Everything may not go perfectly, but I am confident that the change in your perspective will make a huge difference in both how you handle obstacles and how they affect you.”

WOW! I had no idea that in less than an hour I would be put to the test to hold to my faith and perspective as never before.

At 9:30 a.m. I had a regular check up with my doctor. At 10 and a half weeks pregnant, all of our friends and family had been learning of the exciting news over the previous weeks that Tim and I were expecting our second baby, due just a few weeks after Mikaela’s 2^nd birthday. There was no use trying to hide it, as the second time around things go faster and, in addition to being sick, I had already been using the “rubber band on the pants” trick for three weeks!

After hugs and congratulations were shared between my doctor and I, and we had discussed any questions, we were ready to get out the Doppler to hear the heartbeat for the first time. As she began to rub the wand around on my greased up, bulging belly, I waited anxiously to hear the words, “There he is!” Nothing…two more minutes…nothing…another couple of minutes…still nothing. I was shifting nervously and began to use deep breathes both to calm myself and to hold at bay any yet unfounded fears that were tugging at my mind. I knew God was in control, and I told Him as much as, finally admitting defeat, the doctor said the baby was likely hiding behind my bone and she just couldn’t get to him. She had the nurse call and have me scheduled for an ultrasound.

Leaving the office and walking across the parking lot, I was offering up prayers to God reassuring Him, and perhaps more so myself, that I was fully trusting in Him, that I knew all things were in His hands and that He was with us. Before I reached the car I called Tim to let him know what was going on.

Side note: I thank God for a husband who has his priorities straight. He is a hard worker but firmly believes that family comes before work and God comes before all. It is because of his integrity and willingness to live this out that in the past eight years I have never had to face anything alone.

Without hesitation, after reassuring me that he knew everything was fine, Tim left his office and met me at home in time to get in the car together and head to the imaging center. (We were further blessed that, in God’s providence, Tim’s mom was down for a visit and was able to stay with Mikaela.)

Lesson #1: Before heading out for the ultrasound, I gathered my beautiful 18 month old daughter in my arms, as hard as that was since she NEVER stopped moving. She was all smiles, kisses and giggles. She had no idea that something might be wrong. She remained this way throughout the entire ordeal. She was trusting, and innocent, and showed no signs of fear. All she knew was that Mommy and Daddy were there and that, even though they may be sad, everything was going to be fine.

In Matthew 11:25 Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” And in Matthew 19:14 He said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Our children have so much to teach us!

We’ll pick up form here on the next post. Stay tuned!

Purpose in Pain

Coming next week! Go on this journey with me. Life can be hard, but God is great! Starting next week I will begin a series here sharing much of what the Lord has taught and is teaching me through the pain of losing our second pregnancy (February 2011). I hope that you will join me, and that you will be inspired by the power, love, and unending grace of our great God!

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (The Amplified Bible)

My friends, there is purpose in pain! What Satan intends for evil, God can and will work for our good if we will allow Him to.

If you know anyone going through a trial please share this series!

More coming soon!