So we are at the imaging center. As soon as the technician puts the device on my belly the wonderful image of our precious baby is on the screen. There is no mistaking the head, the face, the tiny arms and legs all curled up inside me. Tim was right there next to me, and we both watched with held breath as the technician worked in complete silence for what seemed like forever. Having been through this before I had a pretty clear understanding of what I was looking at. I was 10 and a half weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring at 9 and a half weeks. I wasn’t overly concerned about this, as the same happened with Mikaela. However, at the very end, a curser was placed over the baby’s chest, and I saw straight lines scrolling across the bottom of the screen. My heart began to sink, and I tighten my grip on Tim’s hand. The technician said she was going to take the images to the Radiologist and would return shortly. Tim was holding out hope, but I knew in my heart what we had just seen.
I was sitting on the edge of the table facing Tim, when the radiologist walked in the room. The results were written all over his face. “Unfortunately,” he began, “the tests confirm…” Anything else he said was lost on me as my heart jumped into my throat and Tim reached for me with both hands. The thing I had feared most was coming true. The doctor told us to take all the time we needed and left the room. There, in the dark room lit only by the glow of the monitors, Tim and I held each other (more like he held me), and I said the first thing that came to my mind… “I can't go through this again.”
I had been sick and fatigued with this pregnancy, but no more than with Mikaela (maybe even a bit less), but for some reason I had less tolerance for it this time around. And I was being plagued by intense fears, not only for this baby, but for Tim and Mikaela as well. I was daily (hourly) giving those fears to God, but they were wearing on me nonetheless. This pregnancy was zapping me on all levels, and to be completely honest, I never had complete peace about it. I had told myself weeks ago that if God would give us a healthy baby I would likely never want to put myself through this again (very different for my feelings when pregnant with Mikaela).
So here I am, my fears becoming reality. For a moment the room was closing in around us, and then, without me having to go search for it, without us uttering a word in prayer to ask for it, the peace of God began to settle in our hearts. I was filled with a quiet resolve that God was in control and all was going to be alright. (Romans 8:28) With tear-filled eyes and somber hearts, we left the imaging center and headed across the parking lot to meet with my doctor, who is a wonderful Christian lady and immediately hugged us both. My first question for her was, “When can we try again?” That quickly God had comforted me and began to give me the desires of my heart.
“Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)
This doesn’t mean He will give you whatever you want. It means that He will work in you and cause you to desire the things He wants for you. This is how, if you are truly seeking Him, He leads you in the right path to all that He has for your life. And He, being our Father, only wants the best for us. And if we’ll let Him, He’ll blow our minds with what He does! (Luke 11:11-13, Eph 3:20)
With the D&C scheduled for the next day and so much swirling around me, my heart was at peace. Yes, I was sad and hurting, but God’s perfect peace was holding me. As we pulled into the garage this thought came to mind. “Let it not be in vain!” I want God to get all the glory and to use this tragedy in my life and in the lives of as many others as possible. I could hide, crumble into a corner and push everyone away, but then the loss of my baby would serve no one. So I want to tell everyone what has happened and most importantly what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives! So I already knew the purpose for my baby’s life, short thought it was. His life will touch lives for years to come as the Lord gives me opportunity to share of His power and love through this difficult time. To God be the glory!
Please know that none of this is because of who I am. It is all because of Who God is! The feelings of peace, acceptance, and perseverance that I experienced have nothing to do with me…they are all the fulfillment of God’s promises to us in scripture. He tells us to seek Him with all our hearts, “and the Peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)This is what I have tried to do, and when I needed it the most that peace was there, just like He said it would be!
I did a lot of note jotting in the days immediately following (much in the middle of the night for the first few nights when God would wake me up with a truth to hold to). I will continue this series by sharing these thoughts and truths that God has used and is using so powerfully in my life.
Love and blessings to you all. Thank you for following my story…or rather God’s story He is working out in my life.
